I know it’s been a long time since I have posted, June to be exact, but please let me explain. I had to mentally take a “Time Out” and reflect on myself and what has happened in the past with the news of never carrying my own child. I was to the point where I was envious and mad at every person who announced a pregnancy, or birth. It really didn’t matter who the person was, it was some of my closest friends, family or even strangers, it all felt the same…. I felt like I would never be able to feel what they are now feeling. I even took these feelings of resentment to the point where it kept me from my friend’s baby shower, i emotionally couldn’t go and be happy for her. As i think about it now i know it was very selfish of me, i should have went and been happy for her and her husband, but i couldn’t. The one baby shower i attended i acted very happy, and truly i was for her, but i also was an emotional ball of sadness on the inside as i would smile and congratulate her! I just kept thinking, this isn’t fair…
So with all of this anger and sadness i had to step back and think about my next step. I couldn’t keep going with the way i was feeling, so i stepped back and decided i need to focus on me and do something different. I talked with my husband and I decided the next step was to join a church so i could let go and let God into my life. I needed to rebuild my relationship with him so i could better understand his path for me. I started going to an amazing church near me and have been working on myself since. I have realized that other people and their happiness isn’t something to be mad or sad about, but to rejoice with them and let it fuel my fire to continue on with our adoption journey! To see the love my friends and family have for their children makes me so excited to one day have a little boy/girl in my life to love unconditionally!
Clayton and I both agree it’s time to light our fire and get this adoption process going! So with that we again contacted our adoption agency and started the process to meet with them and go about the necessary steps. First, we are meeting with the agency to talk about what option best suits us, international or domestic? Well, I submitted our international preliminary application and because of my medical issues we only qualify for four countries: South Africa, Ethiopia, Uganda, and Bulgaria. Clayton and I have some deciding to do about what option is the right choice for us.
I have had a lot of questions about whether we would foster to adopt a child, and the answer is yes, if it was a good fit with us. Clayton and i have decided that we are open to adopt a little boy or girl who ranged from infant to around 3 years old. We do not want to miss out on all the firsts of being parents. With me not being able to experience being pregnant I want to experience my child’s firsts… I want to be able to post an obnoxious amount of photos and statuses about what he/she just did! We also want the child to be able to transition into our life without a lot of complications or emotional scars. I know a child who is put up for adoption may have these attached to them, but i pray for a smooth transition.
We are back on this journey and can’t wait to share it with all of you! Stay tuned for the next chronicle in our adventure story for our Future Baby Bowar ❤
“You are so lucky!”… These four words have come out of so many people’s mouths since we have found out i cannot carry a child in my own body. I’m lucky? How am I lucky? Let me list the reasons some people think i’m lucky:
- “You are so lucky that you won’t ever have to experience morning sickness.” OK i totally understand this isn’t a glamorous part of pregnancy BUT I would give anything to be sick every morning(or whenever it happens) and know my hormones are changing because i have a baby inside of me!
- “You are so lucky that you won’t have to go through the pain of labor.” Well Clayton will be glad i won’t be yelling at him through labor, haha! However, no pain is painful enough to not want to go through labor, even a c-section. To know YOU gave birth to your child, pain and all, what an experience to be able to go through.
- “You are so lucky that you won’t get excessive heartburn.” I have had heartburn, yeah it sucks, but it is a thing i would have in a heartbeat! When i was trying to conceive i got heartburn every once in a while and would get excited because MAYBE this was it, MAYBE I was finally pregnant! Turns out i ate something that didn’t agree with me…
- “You are so lucky that you won’t gain the “baby weight.” Being overweight most of my life and loosing weight, i know i would be able to handle gaining the baby weight! I would make sure my pregnancy was a healthy one and i wouldn’t “Eat for two.” Even though i’m not pregnant i still gain weight, and loose it, it will always be a battle!
So what do i do when people say these things? I don’t get mad, and try not to let it bother me. I do tell them i would give anything to know what the negative aspects of pregnancy would be like! The two things that make me so sad and mad about being infertile and not able to carry my own child are:
- Not ever knowing what feeling a baby inside of me would feel like. I’ve felt kicks of both my sister’s children and my friend’s kids. However, i can’t image what the kicks, flutters, hiccups, punches, etc. would feel like in my own stomach. What an amazing feeling it must be! The connection a mother and child have before he/she is even born. It truly makes me jealous…
- Not being able to surprise my husband with him becoming a father. Yes, when we adopt a child Clayton will become a father. However, he will know the same information when I do. I always wanted to come up with a sweet, intimate way to tell my husband he is going to be a father after I found out i was pregnant! I know many women have thought about the same things. I am so excited for the moment we are both told we will become parents to our future little boy or girl!!! ❤
This blog post isn’t for me to make anyone pity me. It’s to let people know, I’m not lucky to not have to go through these things! I am lucky to be healthy and to be able to adopt a lucky little girl or boy though!! I really cannot wait to be a mother, to hold my precious child in my arms and feel the love and connection i know i will have for him/her! Before you tell someone they’re lucky, think about how it may affect them, they may not think the same way you do!
The questions we get asked a lot: “When are you two going to start having babies?” Or, “Do you have kids?” These questions brings up so many emotions which include anger and sadness. Most people who ask would have no clue what Clayton and I are going through and others simply forget what we are going through. I cannot be mad at anyone for asking these questions, it’s natural people want to know. This post is to clarify some questions people have as to why Clayton and I are choosing to go down the adoption path.
At the age of 13 I(Laura) was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS for short) and was told by my doctor at that young age that it would be very tough for me to have kids. Well, I was 13 i really didn’t care at that time that it “Might” be hard for me to have kids, i was a kid myself! Many women have this disease and have many kids, it affects everyone differently. My ovaries are filled with fluid-filled cysts and solid cysts which cause the body to not ovulate when it should. I would typically go 6-10 months without having a period and would get intense pain when these cysts would rupture.
When i was 21 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis(MS). MS usually does not play a factor with becoming pregnant or cause any pregnancy issues. Usually when pregnant with MS the person will feel better, and symptoms clear up. Only after the delivery do problems, or relapses, occur from over-exertion and stress. With me I have several relapses a year, which clear up with time and medication. I take an injection called Rebif to help with my disease. It helps with my MS and keeps me very active!
Now on to more of our story.
Clayton and I decided that before our second wedding(our vow-renewal) we wanted my IUD taken out and for us to start trying to have our first child! I was so excited to start and become pregnant! Months went by without anything happening, my OB/GYN wanted us to try for 6-months and if nothing happened then we would take the next step. My neurologist allowed me to be off my shots for 6-months while we try to have a child. My neurologist was weary for me to be off my meds but wanted me to be drug free if i became pregnant. 4-months into trying to conceive a baby I relapsed with my MS and was put back on my shots, i could not stay off of them while trying. If i became pregnant i could then stop my injections. By month 6 i was eager to get help, i was wanting to be pregnant and become a mother, for us to become parents. My OB/GYN had me run through many different tests: Blood tests, Ultrasounds, Hysterosalpingogram(to check my tubes), ovulation tests. She also had Clayton do a semen analysis. Every test came back fine, just fine… we chose to keep trying and let God decide when it was right! 2 years into trying to conceive we still were not pregnant. I was now told i’m infertile and most likely the only way to conceive would be through IVF. However, my doctors(OB/GYN and Neurologist) were urging me to go to a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist for a 3rd opinion as to if having our own child is the best option. I met with the specialist and was told that with what my OB/GYN and Neurologist has told him about my history I should think about adoption or surrogacy. It was my own decision on to whether or not to have a child naturally but would not be able to go off of my MS medication(they can be harmful to the fetus and most are not tested on). Clayton and I do not want to play Russian Roulette with our child. He explained that with the stress of IVF treatments, and carrying the child he is nervous that my day-to-day level of function would deteriorate. He looked me in the eye and asked, “Do you want to be able to play with your kids, walk, or care for them?” Of coarse i do! We made the toughest decision in our lives so far, but came to the conclusion that God has a child for us somewhere and when we meet him or her I will be healthy enough to care for them like he/she deserves!! My health is very important to me, as is becoming a mother. Please, do not think i am choosing myself over a child with Clayton, he agrees 100% with the decisions we have made. Adoption is God’s plan for us, i can feel it in my heart! If there are any questions I would be happy to answer them! ❤